Now that you're gone, I feel like you never had cancer in the first place.
I feel like you're still over on your side of the world, forgetting to pick up the phone. However, you told me yourself that you don't know how to be a dad. It gave me all the room in the world to forgive you and start our relationship over and I can't express how grateful I am that you called me on our very last phone call. You said "I figured I'd start calling you for a change, son." and I'm glad I got one. It feels like you never died. It feels like nothing has changed and we still suck at being a family. But then I remind myself of this huge mess you have left me and I try not to get mad. I try not to let my fondness of our last few weeks be cast aside by resentment. But I told you this was going to happen. For three years, I told you and begged you to be the father I needed you to be. So it goes... I feel that the only way to be loved by you was to have you proud of me. So I am working hard to be loved by you even though your heart has stopped. Another blessing in this is that the pain I have felt since August left when you died. I hope that's how you feel up there, too. And I hope you can see the mess I am wading through. The mess I said I would never deal with, yet here I am. I just wish you would visit me with your newly found universal wisdom. It would be nice to know that after death, your Earthly issues would be erased and that souls are truly immortal and timeless. But I won't count on it. I'll just plan on you being the same, non-communicative soul as you were in life. And I'm OK with that, I guess. It's what I know. It's what I've become used to. What I am not used to is pretending to be you. I won't fight your fights, nor will I address issues and people the way you did. I won't enable fucked up stuff to continue in this family. For some, that will be good. For others, it won't be so good. When they pray to you and lament at what a cold-hearted bastard I am, it'll be because of you. When they pray to you and praise me for my maturity and warm-hearted nature, it'll because of me. So let me make one thing clear, since this might be the last time I write about you: My love for you as a son is more obligatory than it is a nurtured, healthy love. You never gave me the chance to really know you as a person and that's disappointing. Even as you died, you fought for your own way - you told us all to shut up and leave you alone. I can only hope that your attitude has been adjusted somewhat. But you should watch as I manage this mess: I am doing it my way, whether you like it or not. You should have chosen another path. You should have prepared. You should have talked to me. But through all my frustration and resolve, I still love you. Now that you've died, you can't dodge change any more. The best you can do is sit on the sidelines and watch from afar. Just like I had to. Now watch me do what you wouldn't. I can't keep it all in my head
It's amazing that you did all this time Once this is over, I don't know how I will feel about you I just hope that I don't take my frustration out on your memory Sometimes love isn't enough to compensate Especially considering everything resting on me now You let me get myself into this and didn't tell me enough Now I sort through the weeds of bad decisions and stubbornness I hope I make it through before I abandon ship Cause I am not going down with it |
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May 2016
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